Yeah, I fail at updating.
In the past three weeks I have: celebrated my birthday, been broken up with, had my last day of work, said goodbye to friends, and cried more than I have in a long time.
I don't want to go back to school. I don't want to see him or have to deal with him. In my heart of hearts, I still want him to say, "I'm a gigantic idiot" and come back to me. I know that will probably not happen, and I'm not sure if that's going to be the best thing for me, but it's still hard.
Today is my cleaning/packing day. I don't want to. I don't want summer to be over, because so many things will be over with it. I'm sick of growing up and having to rely on myself.
I feel like nothing in my life is stable right now, and it scares the shit out of me. I need that one thing, and I don't have it anymore.
I'm just trying to keep distracted and not think about going back to school or anything else.
Things are not going well for me right now.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Time keeps marching on.
Last night, I realized I'm about to be 19. That's so weird. I feel like I've been 18 forever. I feel like it's been so long since I've changed ages. It doesn't feel like any time has passed. I saw an old friend briefly on Friday, and as I drove away, I realized that it had been over a year since I had last seen her, but it felt like only a summer. Like I'd be in classes with her at Leon again in a couple weeks. My mind is in denial.
I guess I'm excited about school starting. I'm having seriously mixed feelings. My memories are not that pleasant about last year, so I'm wary about going back, but at the same time, I don't understand how people do it. I don't understand going to work day in and day out with nothing except weekends and holidays to look forward too. I don't know if that lifestyle is going to work out for me. Is that something that you get more content with as you get older? Is that the feeling of settling down? It's so foreign to me, I don't even know what to do with myself.
And also, I don't want to leave the people I met this summer. I'm closer to the people I work with than anyone at school right now, and I've only known them for a couple of months. I wonder what's different. I wonder if things will change. I wonder if having Keith there will help at all, or if he'll thrive and I'll continue to wonder what's wrong with me. Hopefully this year will be better. I just have so many reservations. I don't understand why it's so easy here. I made friends with Claire and Kelsi the same way all people make friends. You start talking; you find you have things in common and like each others company; you hang out. Why is it harder when I'm five hours away?
On a different note, I finished Blindness last night and started Enduring Love. I'm only a chapter into it, and already I love it. There's just something about the way Ian McEwan writes that completely captivates me. As the book says, "He writes in a way that anyone who writes will envy." It's like it was effortless. I know better than to think he wrote it like that the first time he sat down, but it feels that way. As if no editing is necessary. As if he lives his life in prose. Simply beautiful.
I need to do some serious cleaning today. I need to start packing my room. I need to do laundry. I need to go to the Devil's Playground and pick up some things. It would be so nice if money grew on trees.
Last night, I realized I'm about to be 19. That's so weird. I feel like I've been 18 forever. I feel like it's been so long since I've changed ages. It doesn't feel like any time has passed. I saw an old friend briefly on Friday, and as I drove away, I realized that it had been over a year since I had last seen her, but it felt like only a summer. Like I'd be in classes with her at Leon again in a couple weeks. My mind is in denial.
I guess I'm excited about school starting. I'm having seriously mixed feelings. My memories are not that pleasant about last year, so I'm wary about going back, but at the same time, I don't understand how people do it. I don't understand going to work day in and day out with nothing except weekends and holidays to look forward too. I don't know if that lifestyle is going to work out for me. Is that something that you get more content with as you get older? Is that the feeling of settling down? It's so foreign to me, I don't even know what to do with myself.
And also, I don't want to leave the people I met this summer. I'm closer to the people I work with than anyone at school right now, and I've only known them for a couple of months. I wonder what's different. I wonder if things will change. I wonder if having Keith there will help at all, or if he'll thrive and I'll continue to wonder what's wrong with me. Hopefully this year will be better. I just have so many reservations. I don't understand why it's so easy here. I made friends with Claire and Kelsi the same way all people make friends. You start talking; you find you have things in common and like each others company; you hang out. Why is it harder when I'm five hours away?
On a different note, I finished Blindness last night and started Enduring Love. I'm only a chapter into it, and already I love it. There's just something about the way Ian McEwan writes that completely captivates me. As the book says, "He writes in a way that anyone who writes will envy." It's like it was effortless. I know better than to think he wrote it like that the first time he sat down, but it feels that way. As if no editing is necessary. As if he lives his life in prose. Simply beautiful.
I need to do some serious cleaning today. I need to start packing my room. I need to do laundry. I need to go to the Devil's Playground and pick up some things. It would be so nice if money grew on trees.
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