I just want to be out of here.

I'm so sick of feeling unappreciated and left out AGAIN. I know part of it is my fault because I'm never here, and I'm pretty protective over you.

I hate that you're sharing secrets with her and actually being nice to her, when there's honestly no difference between them. They're both so disrespectful and young. And it bugs me that you associate with her like she's such a good friend.

I honestly just want to be in Charleston. I'm starting to get an itch like I need to go somewhere else. I need to start over. Cause I'm already back to my old ways, and I already feel like a lot of people don't like me. Though I don't know why I flatter myself that anyone actually cares.

I just wish I was a different person. I wish I wasn't so intense and that things didn't matter so much to me. I feel like I have things to prove to people, but I'm not going to prove them. Because things matter to me, and, unfortunately, that only makes it worse and my goals more unattainable.

I wish I could not care anymore. It would make things way easier. When you don't care, you can't be disappointed.

I wish I was like that.

I'm so naive.

Reading back over things I wrote, I feel so young. I guess it's good that I have that hope, that I still believe in love. That I thought we could be together forever. But damn. Where did I get that shit? These days it very rarely happens like that. Why do I assume I'm any different? I think I'm starting to lose faith. Things change, people leave forever. That's life. It's what happens. And it's going to happen to me. If your expectations are low, you can't ever be disappointed, right?

I don't think I really believe that. I think I'm scared. I don't want to get hurt again. Because that hurt. That hurt the most I've ever been hurt before. You know, I can deal with throwing up multiple times a day; I can deal with feeling isolated and alone; I can deal with my parents getting divorced because for as long as I can remember, they were emotionally divorced anyway. What I can't deal with is when someone wants me, and then they decide they don't.

I never felt wanted by my family, so I cling to that when I find it somewhere else. I grew up with people talking over me, without ever opening up to my parents when I had a problem. I'm used to it with them. I'm not used to it with other people. I don't like not feeling wanted. I don't like being ignored. I've done that my entire life; I don't want it now. I want to be cared for. I want to know someone's there.

I need that.

I'm blogging because Casey won't leave me alone about it. I'm not going to tell him I'm updating either. Wonder how long it will take him to see it.

The proverbial bookshelf can be rearranged quite rapidly. If you had asked me two weeks ago when the next time I would date someone would be, I would've laughed at you. I either heal quickly, or somewhere, deep down, I knew it was going to happen. I feel like in all my relationships so far I've just gotten to a point where I'm done. Does that stop happening if you find the one? I'm not sure if I know the difference between comfort and love after a while. Or maybe I just hate change enough that I'm willing to be slightly unhappy in order to be comfortable.

I'm afraid to tell people. I'm afraid to put it out there. It's been so little time. As much as he hurt me, I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to think he meant nothing to me. But there is no control. I have no control over what happens in my brain.

It's really quite amazing how one person can make you feel so complete in so many ways that are completely different from the ways another person made you feel complete.

For now, I am content. No, I'm more than content. I'm happy. I will take it. This past year has been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I was floating.

Now I feel anchored.

Yeah, I fail at updating.

In the past three weeks I have: celebrated my birthday, been broken up with, had my last day of work, said goodbye to friends, and cried more than I have in a long time.

I don't want to go back to school. I don't want to see him or have to deal with him. In my heart of hearts, I still want him to say, "I'm a gigantic idiot" and come back to me. I know that will probably not happen, and I'm not sure if that's going to be the best thing for me, but it's still hard.

Today is my cleaning/packing day. I don't want to. I don't want summer to be over, because so many things will be over with it. I'm sick of growing up and having to rely on myself.

I feel like nothing in my life is stable right now, and it scares the shit out of me. I need that one thing, and I don't have it anymore.

I'm just trying to keep distracted and not think about going back to school or anything else.

Things are not going well for me right now.

Time keeps marching on.

Last night, I realized I'm about to be 19. That's so weird. I feel like I've been 18 forever. I feel like it's been so long since I've changed ages. It doesn't feel like any time has passed. I saw an old friend briefly on Friday, and as I drove away, I realized that it had been over a year since I had last seen her, but it felt like only a summer. Like I'd be in classes with her at Leon again in a couple weeks. My mind is in denial.

I guess I'm excited about school starting. I'm having seriously mixed feelings. My memories are not that pleasant about last year, so I'm wary about going back, but at the same time, I don't understand how people do it. I don't understand going to work day in and day out with nothing except weekends and holidays to look forward too. I don't know if that lifestyle is going to work out for me. Is that something that you get more content with as you get older? Is that the feeling of settling down? It's so foreign to me, I don't even know what to do with myself.

And also, I don't want to leave the people I met this summer. I'm closer to the people I work with than anyone at school right now, and I've only known them for a couple of months. I wonder what's different. I wonder if things will change. I wonder if having Keith there will help at all, or if he'll thrive and I'll continue to wonder what's wrong with me. Hopefully this year will be better. I just have so many reservations. I don't understand why it's so easy here. I made friends with Claire and Kelsi the same way all people make friends. You start talking; you find you have things in common and like each others company; you hang out. Why is it harder when I'm five hours away?

On a different note, I finished Blindness last night and started Enduring Love. I'm only a chapter into it, and already I love it. There's just something about the way Ian McEwan writes that completely captivates me. As the book says, "He writes in a way that anyone who writes will envy." It's like it was effortless. I know better than to think he wrote it like that the first time he sat down, but it feels that way. As if no editing is necessary. As if he lives his life in prose. Simply beautiful.

I need to do some serious cleaning today. I need to start packing my room. I need to do laundry. I need to go to the Devil's Playground and pick up some things. It would be so nice if money grew on trees.

The past has been biting me in the ass, lately. It's really interesting how certain people stay with you long after they're gone. I miss you.

School is looming ever closer. It will certainly be an interesting year. Completely different from last which could be both good and bad. Hopefully this year will help me feel more secure. Who decided that in four years you basically have to decide your own fate? Since when is four years enough?

I celebrated my one year with my lovely Keith this past week. I made him a fifty-two reasons I love you book out of playing cards.



It was really fun, and it turned out pretty cute. Plus, it's way customized. Always nice to get something just for you. =) I also bought him the new Josh Kelley CD, Special Company. We both wanted that, so it was a present for me too. He took me out to dinner and showed up at work with these






So, that was sweet. I can't believe it's already been a year. Time flies. And my birthday is coming up. I'm almost 19. I feel like I'm getting older way too fast. I don't want to be an adult. The thought scares me.

Currently reading: Blindness

I said weekly, but there is literally nothing to report.

I'm working on my '52 reasons I love you' book for my one year anniversary with Keith. I'll post pictures of really cute pages when I'm done. It's looking really good so far.

I'm trying to be who I am without being embarrassed or making excuses. I will like what I like without fear, and I won't care if people judge me. If they're my friends and if they truly care about me, they won't judge me for what music I like to listen to, what shows I like to watch, etc. I'm trying to convince myself of that. It's harder than it sounds. I've spent my entire life trying to impress people, trying to seem cool. I refuse to let other people shape who I am.

Let's see how long I can keep that up for.

Other than that, there is nothing. I work; I hang out with friends and my boyfriend; I watch TV and surf the web; I read and sleep. I miss school, but not doing work. I would much rather spend my days making money and come home with nothing to do than go to class all day and then come home and have to read and study for those same classes. I am looking forward to this semester, though.

I spent last night talking to an old friend. It was nice to catch up. It's crazy to think about how much I've grown. I wonder what my middle school self would think of my college self. I wonder if that bitchy girl who tried to hard and cared too much would think I was cool now, would strive to be like me.

It's an interesting thought.

Wow it's been a long time! My apologies.

I said I'd update about Italy, but that never happened, so here it goes:

Italy is amazing. If there is one place in Italy you ever go, make it Venice. It's beautiful and rustic and exactly how you picture it which is wonderful. You wander around and get lost every single day. There's really nothing I've ever seen that compares to it. Rome is definitely always worth a trip too. It's so amazing to walk around and know that thousands of millions of people have walked in the same spot for thousands of years. And the juxtaposition of the ancient city with the modern one is just breathtaking. You'd think the modern world would take away from it, but it definitely doesn't. Florence was my least favorite. It was too much of just a modern city for me, though seeing the David was amazing. (You're not supposed to take pictures, but I totally did.) My advice would be to buy a Rick Steves book and download his podcasts for your iPod. You get your own self-guided tour for free with someone who really knows the best attractions and places to eat.

For now, I'm at home. Working at my dad's store . By the end of the summer, I'll have made a good chunk of change. I recently visited my mom up in Charleston, SC. Keith was sick for the first four days, and I rolled my ankle and couldn't walk for the last three. I watched lots of OnDemand movies on their huge HD TV. We also went to the Aquarium, which was pretty cool, but that was after I hurt myself, so I got to be that annoying person in the wheelchair.

Anyway, that's it for now. I'll try to get better about updating. I'll try for once a week. I don't normally do anything on Sunday mornings anyway. I'll leave you with my favorite Sunday past time: Post Secret.

Also, follow me on Twitter!

Holy hell. I've been back in the U.S. now since 3, and I'm still not anywhere near a bed. Traveling is fun. Jetlag is not. More on Italy when I've had sleep and time to enjoy home a little. Ciao, bellas!

K's mom has no idea what she's doing. She's pushing her entire family away. Her husband, who was once so afraid of divorce, now would rather she was gone. Her daughter hates her, and her son only loves her from obligation. And she's brought it all on herself. What parent, what person, can do that without realizing what it's doing to the people around you, the people you love?

And now it's spread to me because I'm "the other woman," because I'm not the perfect girl she always pictured K with, because we're not BFFs. The thing is, she spent so much time trying to get me to like her that she never spent any time getting to know me. I'm not the most open person; when I'm not onstage, I don't like being in the spotlight; I'm not outgoing; I can't start conversations with people I don't know very well; I'm a little awkward.

But what should matter to her is that he loves me. And I love him. Apparently that's not enough for her. I have to be outgoing and intelligent and talented and musical. I have to be everything she wishes she was. I just wish she could step back and look at what this is doing to her family, to her relationships.

If K and I do get married, if we do have children, I'm not letting that woman anywhere near them. Despite the fact that she deserves none of my respect, I give it to her, and she repays me by telling E I'm not good enough, by being offended by my "indifference," by wishing K was dating K. I've seen how she's tearing her family apart, and I'm not letting her break mine.

Haha, please excuse last night's post. I was feeling a Gossip Girl vibe. That show is such a guilty pleasure for me. I would hate to have anything like what happens on the show happen in my life, but man is it fun to watch.

I've basically been living high school gossip through my boyfriend this year. It's so fascinating to watch people go through their lives. I've never been one of those crazy risk-takers, but I really enjoy learning about those who are. I live vicariously through people so I don't have to deal with teenage pregnancy, etc.

I go to Italy in a little over a week. I'm starting to get pumped. It's going to be glorious. I wish I could find my white keds, though. I'm just so excited. I've wanted to go to Italy since I was in sixth grade. It's just going to be the best thing I could possibly imagine.

Oh damn, I have an appointment in 45 minutes. Must run!

This just in. B got B preggers after homecoming, but she miscarried. C broke up with L last week and she still follows him around like a puppy. Oh, high school gossip.

Just some background:

I'm 18, I go to college at a very small liberal arts school in Sarasota, Florida. I'm majoring in Humanities, with a current plan to become a music producer.

I love music; I went to a local show the other night, and I'm now in love with a semi-local band called Faster Faster. You can check them out here. They are awesome, and I love watching them perform.

Other than that, I got nothing right now. I am sitting at my dad's house in BFE watching Friends. Chandler's definitely my fave. He's fantastic.

I'm working at my dad's store this summer, so expect updates then. Also, I'm going to Italy next week. Hopefully I will have my laptop, and I can keep updating. If not, I'll make sure I record exciting stuff and come back with lots of pictures.