You Grow Old Beautifully

I'm so naive.

Reading back over things I wrote, I feel so young. I guess it's good that I have that hope, that I still believe in love. That I thought we could be together forever. But damn. Where did I get that shit? These days it very rarely happens like that. Why do I assume I'm any different? I think I'm starting to lose faith. Things change, people leave forever. That's life. It's what happens. And it's going to happen to me. If your expectations are low, you can't ever be disappointed, right?

I don't think I really believe that. I think I'm scared. I don't want to get hurt again. Because that hurt. That hurt the most I've ever been hurt before. You know, I can deal with throwing up multiple times a day; I can deal with feeling isolated and alone; I can deal with my parents getting divorced because for as long as I can remember, they were emotionally divorced anyway. What I can't deal with is when someone wants me, and then they decide they don't.

I never felt wanted by my family, so I cling to that when I find it somewhere else. I grew up with people talking over me, without ever opening up to my parents when I had a problem. I'm used to it with them. I'm not used to it with other people. I don't like not feeling wanted. I don't like being ignored. I've done that my entire life; I don't want it now. I want to be cared for. I want to know someone's there.

I need that.